The time is – 23:57 and I have been trying to sleep since an hour. I am not able to get a thought out of my head.
So lately, I have been reading Leo Tolstoy’s ‘Anna Karenina’ and this line has seriously opened the doors of my mind. The line is – “There was no answer, except the general answer life gives to all the most complex and insoluble questions. That answer is: one must live for the needs of the day, in other words, become oblivious.” There are two thoughts which have been kicking me in my genitals. In order to understand them, we need to get acquainted with the background.
First: I have absolutely nothing to do for another 7 months. I have been struggling through my studies since the past two and a half years. I didn’t like my high school subjects. I faced a lot of humiliation. So, finally when I am out of school with a good percentage – I am still not happy. Because, I applied for July Intake in my dream University. I got admission but, I had to defer it since I am under 18. So, most probably I will be joining university in February. So, I have been at home since a long time now. I have gained like 10 Kilograms of weight in 6 months. My parents shout at me, because I have absolutely nothing to do. So, this increases my emotional stress. There are no specific courses available in my town. I can’t even work because of my age. I want to learn French or other foreign languages, but I am the only student, so teachers aren’t agreeing. So, I have concluded that I will have to go with the flow.
Second: The word which has been bothering me is:Oblivious. The word means being unaware or unconscious. Since the last 2 months, I have been unknowingly Oblivious, to almost, every situation in my life. This includes my university too. I wasn’t that desperate or excited, I should have been. The fact is, I broke up with people unnecessarily. Since an year, I have been walking out of relationships – without an explanation. I didn’t speak when I should have spoken, in fact I spoke when it was too late. This doesn’t imply that- all of the break ups fit into the previous statement. This also doesn’t mean that I am left with no friends, I do have friends. In fact, now, I can tell anything to my friends. Because, ‘The Friends’ are a couple of people, whom I can fully trust. Those terrible 2.5 years have taught me various lessons. One of them is – Never be silent, when somebody hurts you. Speak and revolt. If it is going to destroy you, leave it rather than talking yourself into the trouble. It takes a great deal of time to get over a major heartbreak and it is worth it. In addition to this, never seek revenge because in my opinion, “Revenge acts as an invitation to more trouble.” And you know what, believe me or not, life goes on and eventually the pain turns extinct. Plus, do not forget that – Hormones act in a crazy manner and we should never be ashamed to admit it.
So, I need to be grateful, to learn and above all enjoy every bit of life. I need to imagine and picture myself on the top of my game. ~Palak Arora